In a previous post, I highlighted how parents often possess the deepest understanding of their children, truly serving as their foremost experts. However, amidst the hustle and bustle of daily life, it can be challenging for parents to deeply reflect on the nuances of their child’s personality. To bridge this gap, I developed a structured approach to help parents delve more deeply into their children’s inner worlds. I’ve compiled a collection of thought-provoking questions in a guide designed to foster a deeper insight into your child’s life.
This guide explores various facets of your child’s daily experiences, from handling conflicts and expressing themselves to reacting to new situations and people. Each question is accompanied by practical examples and explanations, aiming to unlock a deeper understanding of your child’s perspective.
Parenting is a unique journey, and the responses to these questions will reflect your child’s distinct personality. I encourage you to use these questions as a foundation for meaningful conversations, observations, and reflections on your child’s behavior and needs.
If you want to see the entire 30 questions or have a hard copy for continual reference, a printable PDF version is available here.
I have already written a blog post covering these 30 questions on my personal blog. However, on Substack, I want to delve deeper into why each question is important and what they mean. Therefore, I have written detailed explanations for each question. I will post these in a series titled "Getting to Know Your Child Better," divided into seven parts (Yes, I have so much to say about it!).
1. How does your child respond to conflict?
Understanding how your child responds to conflict is crucial for guiding them toward healthy conflict-resolution skills. Conflict is an inevitable part of life, and the way your child navigates these situations can impact their social development, self-esteem, and relationships with others. By observing their responses, you can provide the appropriate support and teach them effective strategies for handling disagreements.
If your child tends to argue over a toy, claiming it’s theirs, this behavior indicates a strong sense of ownership and assertiveness. While it’s important for children to advocate for themselves, it's equally essential to teach them about sharing, respecting others’ belongings, and asking for permission.
You can role-play scenarios where they practice saying, "Can I please use this toy?" or "Let's take turns playing with it." Reinforce the idea that while it’s okay to assert their needs, it’s also important to consider others’ feelings and rights.
Conversely, if your child is passive and lets others take their things without protest, they might need encouragement to stand up for themselves and protect their belongings. Teach them to use assertive yet polite language, such as, "I’m using this right now. Can you wait until I’m done?" or "Please ask before taking my things." Help them understand that it’s okay to set boundaries and that their needs are important too. You can also boost their confidence by acknowledging and praising instances when they successfully advocate for themselves.
Additionally, observe how your child reacts emotionally during conflicts. Do they get easily frustrated or angry? Do they withdraw or become sad? Understanding their emotional responses can guide you in teaching them emotional regulation skills. For example, if they become upset quickly, teach them calming techniques such as deep breathing or counting to ten. If they tend to withdraw, encourage them to express their feelings and assure them that it’s okay to talk about their emotions.
It’s also beneficial to consider the context of the conflict. Are conflicts more likely to occur in certain settings, such as during playdates or at school? Identifying patterns can help you address specific triggers and environments where your child might need extra support. For example, if conflicts often arise during group activities, you can work on social skills such as cooperation and communication.
Modeling positive conflict resolution yourself is another powerful way to teach your child. Demonstrate how to calmly and respectfully resolve disagreements, showing empathy and understanding towards others. Children learn a lot by observing adult behavior, so your approach to conflict can significantly influence theirs.
In summary, understanding how your child responds to conflict allows you to guide them toward healthy conflict-resolution skills. Whether your child is assertive or passive, teaching them to respect others, set boundaries, and regulate their emotions is key to their social and emotional development. By providing them with the tools and support they need, you can help them navigate conflicts confidently and constructively.
2. What activities keep your child engaged for long periods?
Understanding what activities captivate your child’s attention for extended periods can offer valuable insights into their interests and potential talents. These activities can serve as a foundation for fostering their creativity, problem-solving skills, and overall development. Observing the activities that keep your child engaged can also help you tailor experiences that are both enriching and enjoyable for them.
For instance, if your child spends hours building intricate structures with blocks, it indicates a strong interest in spatial awareness and engineering concepts. Providing them with a variety of building materials, such as LEGO sets or construction kits, can further nurture this interest. Engaging them in activities like model building or simple DIY projects can also be beneficial.
On the other hand, if your child is deeply absorbed in drawing or painting, it suggests a natural inclination toward visual arts. You can encourage this interest by supplying a range of art materials, such as colored pencils, watercolors, and sketchbooks. Enrolling them in art classes or visiting art museums can provide additional inspiration and skill development.
It’s important to note that these activities are not just hobbies; they are crucial for your child’s cognitive and emotional growth. Long periods of engagement in preferred activities often lead to a state of flow, where your child is fully immersed and enjoying the process. This state is associated with increased concentration, creativity, and satisfaction.
Moreover, understanding your child’s preferred activities can guide you in creating a balanced schedule that includes both structured and unstructured playtime. Structured activities, such as classes and guided projects, can provide skill-building opportunities, while unstructured play allows for creativity and self-expression.
Additionally, it’s essential to understand that children can develop interests in activities they initially show little interest in, given the right opportunities and exposure. While nurturing your child’s current interests is important, encouraging them to explore areas they seem less interested in can also lead to new passions and skills. And remember, children's interests can continuously change, so don’t be disheartened or upset when this happens. A child who loved playing the piano might suddenly want to quit, a kid who found coding fascinating might lose interest, or a child who enjoyed swimming might decide they no longer like it. Just as we adults can change our minds about what we enjoy, it's important to respect your child's evolving preferences. We are all independent individuals, and no one can be forced to do something they no longer enjoy.
However, by providing a supportive environment, children can sometimes rediscover interests they previously dismissed or develop new ones. Exposure to different experiences and perspectives can reignite a passion for an activity they once abandoned or spark an interest in something entirely new.
For instance, my daughter initially showed little interest in drawing. At preschool, she would participate in drawing activities, but there was no drive to excel or a strong desire to engage in these activities. However, our neighbor's child, who frequently visited us, loved drawing and would always ask for coloring pages or blank paper to create artwork. By watching her friend, my daughter gradually began to draw more enthusiastically on her own. Although she may not be the best artist compared to her peers, finding joy in the activity itself is a significant achievement.
Another example involves a friend’s son who, unlike other children who enjoyed hiking and exploring nature, would only observe others or seemed uninterested during hikes. However, after attending a forest preschool, where he spent most of his time outdoors, his attitude completely changed. He began to enjoy playing with fallen leaves, sticks, and stones for hours, and he now fully enjoys camping and nature exploration. Creating an environment that encourages exploration can sometimes make all the difference.
The point I want to make is not to limit your child to what they currently like or dislike. Provide ample opportunities for them to enjoy what they love, but also gently introduce them to new experiences. There are many stories around me: an elementary student who disliked piano lessons due to a mismatch with the teacher but rekindled her love for piano through the Simply Piano app, a middle schooler who disliked piano but found joy in learning and playing the drums, and a child who didn’t enjoy team sports or swimming but found a passion for Taekwondo and has already achieved a red belt.
Observe your child. See what they truly love, not what you want them to love. By supporting your child’s preferences while also encouraging them to explore new activities, you can help them discover a wide range of interests and talents.
3. How does your child react to new situations or people?
Understanding how your child reacts to new situations or people is vital for helping them navigate social settings comfortably and confidently. Children have varying levels of comfort when faced with unfamiliar environments or individuals, and recognizing their tendencies can guide you in providing the right support and opportunities for growth.
If your child tends to be shy, they might feel overwhelmed or anxious in new situations or around new people. This can manifest in behaviors such as clinging to you, avoiding eye contact, or becoming unusually quiet. To support a shy child, it’s important to provide reassurance and gradual exposure to new experiences. Start with small, manageable social interactions where they feel safe and can build confidence. For example, arranging playdates with one or two familiar friends before introducing them to larger groups can help ease their anxiety. Encouraging them to participate in activities they enjoy, such as art classes or sports, in a structured and supportive environment can also help them feel more at ease.
When your child feels awkward or struggles in new environments, validate their feelings by acknowledging their emotions and saying, "Tell me when you are ready." Sometimes, it may take more than just 10-20 minutes; you might need to wait longer. When my daughter's friend began Taekwondo, he didn't join the other kids right away. His mother patiently waited without pushing him. Each week, they would go to the center, and he would watch the other children practice. After almost a month of just observing, he finally joined in and now loves and excels at Taekwondo. He even had his birthday party at the Taekwondo center, which my daughter enjoyed so much that we decided to switch to that center, even though she was already learning Taekwondo elsewhere.
Also, if your child tends to be shy, do not let that define them. Children often exhibit the traits we label them with. So, if others make comments like, "Oh, you are a shy boy," do not let these labels define your child in their presence. Respond by saying, "He is not shy. He will join in and have fun when he is ready," to ensure your child doesn’t internalize those labels. Sometimes, when adults label children, the children can start to embody those labels. This helps affirm your child's feelings and shows them that it’s okay to take their time to feel comfortable.
Additionally, reading their emotional cues and allowing them to join in at their own pace is crucial. I highly recommend the book "Good Inside" by Dr. Becky Kennedy for practical, applicable strategies on this topic (and many other parenting situations).
On the other hand, if your child is outgoing, they might eagerly approach new situations and people with enthusiasm. Outgoing children often enjoy being the center of attention and are comfortable initiating conversations or joining group activities. While this can be a strength, it’s also important to teach them about boundaries and social cues. Helping them understand when to give others space and how to recognize when someone might not be ready to engage can foster empathy and respectful interactions. Providing opportunities for them to lead activities or take on responsibilities in group settings can further develop their social skills and leadership abilities.
For example, my daughter has been outgoing and social from a very young age. She has no fear of new places and makes friends easily wherever she goes. At birthday parties, she plays well with unfamiliar kids and enjoys being part of the group. However, she often tries to join adult conversations and hugs other children without asking. This has required constant reminders to listen to others before speaking and to always ask if someone is okay with being hugged. While there is still room for improvement, continuous guidance has significantly helped her understand and respect these social boundaries.
It’s also beneficial to observe how your child reacts to different types of new situations. For instance, their comfort level may vary between structured environments, like a new classroom, and unstructured ones, like a playground. Some children might thrive in the predictability of structured settings but feel uncertain in more spontaneous environments. Tailoring your support based on the specific context can make a significant difference in how they adjust. For example, preparing them for what to expect in a new classroom setting by discussing the routine and introducing them to the teacher beforehand can reduce their anxiety. Similarly, guiding them through unstructured play by suggesting games or activities can help them feel more secure.
Another important aspect to consider is your child’s reactions over time. Children’s responses to new situations and people can change as they grow and develop. A child who was once very shy may become more confident with age and experience, while an outgoing child may become more reserved during certain developmental stages. Staying attuned to these changes and adapting your approach accordingly ensures that your support remains effective and relevant.
Moreover, discussing new situations with your child before they occur can help them prepare mentally and emotionally. Role-playing different scenarios and discussing potential outcomes can provide them with strategies to handle unfamiliar environments confidently. Encouraging them to express their feelings about new experiences and validating their emotions fosters a sense of security and trust.
In summary, recognizing how your child reacts to new situations or people—whether they are shy or outgoing—enables you to tailor your support to their unique needs. By providing gradual exposure, teaching social cues, preparing them for new experiences, and remaining attuned to their evolving comfort levels, you can help your child navigate social settings with confidence and ease.
Today, I’ve covered the first three questions:
How does your child respond to conflict?
What activities keep your child engaged for long periods?
How does your child react to new situations or people?
Thank you for joining me on this journey to better understand our children. I hope my guide helps you gain deeper insights into your child's unique personality. In my next post, I will delve into questions 4-7, providing detailed insights into each:
What is your child’s favorite way to express themselves?
How does your child show affection?
What are your child’s fears or anxieties, and how do they cope with them?
How does your child solve problems or puzzles?
This is so so thoughtful!! I look forward to reading more :)